the following is an excerpt from a letter that i wrote to a very close friend.

***

i think i told you...i lost two very close friends on memorial day weekend. they were driving home late at night from big sur and louis, the driver, decided to pass a bunch of cars on hwy 1. i guess he realized that he couldn't make the pass, swerved, overcorrected twice, and then spiraled
down a 300 foot cliff. they had their two dogs with them, and the coroner found the little one hobbling around the wreckage. the big labrador was missing for a month, and some hikers found it living in a little cave he dug for himself near the wreckage. both dogs are now with louis' family.

rich was louis' partner and had worked for apple until he was laid off in early may. we'd known each other about 4 years and we were very close. i didn't know louis very well, but i was beginning to know him. louis was layed off from macromedia and rich was layed off from apple within days of each other, and then both started fantastic new jobs the following monday making shitloads of money. they had a beautiful house in pacifica, money, and eveything going for them. i miss them so much.

that sunday before memorial day, i knew something wasn't quite right. derek was visiting me from guam for two weeks and my mom had drove up to see us. then i took them out to sunday brunch and then i got a page from a number i didn't recognize. i got home i returned the call, and the voice on the other end said "monterey county coroner's office." i thought this was some kind of joke or a wrong number, but the guy on the other end was waiting for my call. he paged me because he found
my phone number on my business card in rich's wallet. i couldn't believe it. it just wasn't happening.

the coroner asked me all kinds of questions about them, like what was their address, where did they work, what did they do, where was their their address, where did they work, what did they do, where was their family...that last one drove me insane for 3 days. i knew that louis was from southern california in the long beach area. i knew richard had a sister in san francisco because i had taken him their once. we were their one saturday morning and rich had just made arrangements to buy his sister a mac and teach her the internet. i waited in the car while he ran in, then he came out 10 mins later jetting to my car with a big grin on his face. rich was happy to see his sister, and then he reached deep into his vest and pulled out a half-eaten durian. he looked at me and smiled and offered me some, but i declined and we drove off to have lunch at one of his favorite vietnamese restaurants. the durian was gone in a matter of minutes.

anyway, that sunday evening, i was so hysterical, but i wanted to drive out to rich's sister and tell her because i was acting as next of kin. i called some of their friends and they freaked. my mom drove me
out to the ucsf area and searched for her apartment. i looked and asked around, but no luck. i looked at the mailboxes where i thought she lived, but there a cluster of vietnamese families there and none of them were home.

i called my friend camille in oakland and told her the news after i came back from my grim and unsuccessful task. she remembered exactly where richard's sister lived and we met out there again, this time derek in tow. we knocked and banged on doors, and one woman told us to go away. we went for coffee and just reminisced about our friend. i was incredibly sad. i called the coroner in monterey county and he referred me to the san mateo county coroner because of their residence in pacifica. they were now getting involved with the case, and soon the san francisco county coroner would get involved trying to find rich's sister. the case was complicated by the fact that a mandarin/vietnamese speaker was needed to communicate with them. the monterey coroner found louis' family, and that louis cyon was really william barclay brown III. the coroner said that the family had moved around socal, and i told them that louis was a graduate of long beach state and i think that's how they got hold of their family. derek and i took for los angeles as we had planned all along and i tried to decompress from this whole thing. everything seemed sooo bleak and hopeless.

well, sf county left their business card on rich's sister's door in sf and she called another sister in san jose (rich was the baby of like 8 sisters) and they made a bee-line for the house in pacifica. louis' family had already arrived that wednesday after claiming his body. louis' family were the ones that told rich's sisters what had happened. they both fainted in the living room, according to louis' family.

after derek and i came back from los angeles, i followed up with all the coroners and made sure that my friends were spoken for. richard's family had a very private, and very vietnamese funeral that saturday. i never got to say good bye to one of my dearest friends. i went to louis' wake that sunday but i didn't go to the funeral the following monday because i had to go back to work and get derek to the airport.

a week later i got a call from rich's probate lawyer and i had to explain the whole thing all over again. i can talk about it now without going to pieces, but i am still very sad over the whole mess. i'm sooo angry at louis for driving like an asshole...not only did he kill himself, but he killed his partner, lover, best friend, and my friend too. i think i am not only mourning their loss, but mourning the beautiful friendships that i had with them and the potential it had to be even more enriching and prosperous. we had even talked about going into business together.

i miss them both very much. i love all my friends even closer now and i just want to draw everyone closer to me. i've changed a lot in terms of how i think of people and what they mean to me, and that life is too short not to share love with as many people as i can in all the different ways i can. i learned who my real friends are and who are the poseurs. the ones that i thought were my friends didn't come through for me, and the ones i expected the least did more for me than i couldever imagine.

*** big sigh ***